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CW : don't read anything on this page if you are in a bad place/ suicide ideation and further miseries are described here
9/15/2022-
i have two sides to my personality; both of them are absolute, uncompromising, and very rarely will manifest simultaneously. this used to cause me a lot of stress because i didn't feel like i had a "real" personality - as is, concrete likes/dislikes, aesthetics, modes of self expression, etc- but i have since come to terms that i am just too complicated for that.
TW : un-fun "trans" issues
these two sides are opposite gender and do not mix well. i spent a decade of my life with intense gender dysphoria and i did everything in my power to suppress anything i perceived as "feminine" in my personality by constantly psychically bombarding myself with criticism based on completely unrealistic standards. this did not put me a good place psychologically, obviously, and i eventually had to accept that there was a "woman" inside me that wasn't going to go away, no matter how much i wanted her to.
i am (mostly) at peace with female-me, but occassionally the dysphoria comes back. i have accepted that maybe this is part of that "personality" i spent so much of my youth trying to define- neuroticism being a pretty much inescapable part of how my brain functions. at any rate, i let myself shave my legs and wear thigh high socks now, so that's fun.
if you interact with me on a regular basis, you will realize that i am "problematique". this is another part of myself that i've tried to minimize, but what can i say? i'm a fucking creep. i try to keep it on a level that doesn't harm others physically or emotionally, but it's still there.
these sides go beyond gender and body image. they touch pretty much everything i love in one way or another. as far as i can tell, there are only a few threads that connect the two-
- i love taco bell
- i get cranky when i'm tired
- queer stuff
8/11/2022-
recently coping with dysphoria cropping up again in my life; sometimes you think you've overcome some kind of mental issue, only to have it pop back up again years later like suitcase jesus ready to ruin your day and demoralize you. the illusion of freedom gone, the sense of progress ruined.
on days like that, i hate my body, hate my mind for hating my body, hate my feelings for making me hate in the first place. so many of my problems are purely cerebral, theoretical, outside of any realm of possibility, and yet enough to make me want to kill myself on bad days.
if anyone out there has gender dyphoria issues, i guess i can offer the comfort of telling you that you aren't alone. i hope we both live in a future someday where our bodies aren't the enemy- where our traits assigned by genetics, fate given by birth, are no longer a prison.
7/17/2022-
there's a lot of negativity out here. not always necessary considering 90% of neocities is anime gifs. i propose we take a breather and realize that we are making cute sites with html that most people will never see, and, no, we aren't really changing the world.
that's ok. we weren't changing the world in 1998 either, just chatting on AOL- A/S/L???
it's ok to have opinions, but the reminder to touch grass is still relevant... so go touch some grass before you attack the keyboard.
that's all.
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